transference

It has occurred to me that some people may think that the problems that I and other people have had with some counsellors is just a problem of transference. The book 'Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha' by Daniel M Ingram is (like Suzanne Segal's book) about spirituality but has interesting things to say about counselling and therapy. Ingram expresses well current theories about projection, transference and countertransference.

"The common problems that arise in situations with teachers, mentors, coaches, educators, and therapists, etc., is that the student or client begins to think of that other person as either more wonderful, perfect, knowledgeable, holy, attained, or attractive than they actually are, or, conversely, more horrible, flawed, inimical, ignorant, culturally unsophisticated, megalomaniacal, narcissistic, or evil than they actually are. It is not that there might not be some wonderful and/or less than desirable qualities, but these ascribed traits are exaggerated and absolutized as permanent and inherent to the person, rather than revealing something about our own pschodynamic patterns, and thus become a source of fixation. This can generate strong, usually harmful emotions and then strong, usually unskillful reactions and behaviors based on those emotions. Similarly, when the person being transferred onto starts buying into that transference (typically based on the student or client being strongly attracted to or wanting to idealize them) or reacting angrily to that transference (typically based on the student or client being critical of them), that is where the countertransference begins to feed into the problem."

I don't expect a counsellor to be perfect but I do expect them to be nonjudgmental. If a counsellor is easily irritated and doesn't like unemployed people (for example) then he or she should not be a counsellor. He or she should find something else to do to earn money. The theory of transference can too easily be used as an excuse for unacceptable behaviour. Transference can work both ways.

I don't think that someone who has had a few sessions with a counsellor is likely to experience transference. That is more likely to happen with someone who has many months of therapy.
Suzanne Segal in her book wrote that a therapist said about her "She used to see me as the 'good breast', the nurturing object who was all-good, perfect, worthy of emulation. Now she sees me as the 'bad breast', the all-bad, fallen-from-grace, deeply disappointing, frustrating, non-fulfilling object". I can see how a therapist or counsellor can be dismissive of the client's justified criticisms and unwilling to consider them as valid.